She was not falling.
She never once fell, during that whole six months of trying.
And I never once let go.
And yet, she doubted me every single time.
There were times I got so mad and so frustrated I had to tell her to get off the bike so I could take a break and go deep breathe in the corner of the garage for a few minutes.
I remember at one point asking her, "Sophia, do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Well, then you have to believe that I'm going to do my best for you. I'm going to hold onto you and try to keep you from falling. And even if by some chance, you do fall, I'll be right here with you. You have to trust me!"
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| Her first bike, received on her 3rd birthday |
Eventually it all clicked and she swallowed her fears and figured out she could do it. She learned how to ride her bike. And hopefully, she learned she can trust me.
Trust is a funny thing. I've thought a lot about trust. Hence, the name of this blog. I'm not sure I really totally get it, but I think I'm learning more about what trusting God means.
I'm learning trust isn't blind. Trust isn't naive. Trust isn't drinking the Kool-Aid. It's not a guarantee. There's no magic formula. And it's definitely not easy.
What I'm learning is that trust is moving forward, knowing that everything could blow up in your face. It's having crippling fear, and still believing. It's choosing faith, without knowing outcomes. It's allowing faith and doubt to coexist, and being okay with that.
I really wrestled with this in the months preceding our trip to Ethiopia. There were nights I would wake up in a cold sweat, on the verge of tears, bound up in anxiety. It wasn't that I thought our plane was going to blow up, or that I thought I'd be kidnapped by Somalian pirates. (Somalia borders Ethiopia so some were concerned for our safety.) Looking back, I think I knew, way deep down inside, that taking this step of faith was going to lead us into deeper waters. I think I knew that going to Ethiopia was going to change our lives forever. Not because we were going to die, but because maybe God was going to call us to LIVE for Him in a radical way. A way we weren't ready for, or comfortable with.
Beth Moore, in one of her books, tells a story about fear. Her biggest fear was that her husband would cheat on her. One day, she felt like God was prompting her to face that fear. She felt like He was asking her to imagine it happening. At first, she refused. It was too painful. It hurt. It created more fear. But the feeling grew stronger, and so she did it. She imagined the day her husband cheated on her.
"The tears stung my eyes. Butterflies flew to my stomach. My insides turned out. I would be devastated at first. I would probably sin in my anger and say all sorts of things I would live to regret. I would feel inexpressibly lonely and rejected and probably old and ugly. But I knew that finally I'd go facedown before God just as I have a hundred other hard times, accept His grace and mercy, believe Him to take up my cause and work it together for good, and then I would get up and choose to live."
"These days I far less often pray, 'Lord, I trust you to....' I simply pray, 'Lord, I trust you. Period.'"
(from So Long, Insecurity)
During those long days of teaching Sophia how to ride a bike, I couldn't promise her she wouldn't fall. I couldn't promise her she wouldn't get hurt. I also couldn't promise her she would learn. All I could do was tell her I would be there for her no matter what. Whether she fell, or didn't fall. Whether she banged up her knees, or came out totally unscathed. Whether she learned in two days or 180 days. Whatever the outcome, the one thing she could hold on to with certainty was the promise of my presence. (Minus the few minutes of garage deep-breathing).
"I will never leave you or forsake you...." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
We are entering a new realm here. We are stepping out into unchartered waters - adoption, teenagers, foreign governments, cultural differences, racial differences. attachment issues. We have NO CLUE how to navigate this uncertain future. There are no guarantees. There's a whole lotta fear. A lot of questions and concerns. There's also a whole lotta faith. A lot of confirmations and connections that only God could engineer.
And I'm realizing it's okay for faith and fear to walk hand-in-hand. The goal is not to erase fear and embrace blind faith. The goal is to keep trusting, even in the midst of doubt. Trust. Period. Because the One who is asking us to trust tells us He is never going to leave our side. Not for one second of this journey. Whatever happens, He will be there. We're doing this scared, you guys. But you know what? We have to believe He will give us the grace we need for every moment - no more, and no less.
To find out more about our adoption story, click on this link:
https://www.youcaring.com/thompsonadoptionfiveplustwo
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