The Dark Road

This is a hard one to write, and even harder to share.  It's raw and vulnerable, and I'm not always comfortable putting myself out there like this.  But I also feel like the words are burning my fingertips and I have to write.  My heart is pounding, which is always a sign that it's time to speak up.  It's not easy.  Truth-telling never is.  It's much easier to hide and pretend and slap on a smile.  But I'm learning that's just not me.  So, here goes.

I feel like I am emerging from the darkness of Monday and Tuesday.  It was bad.  I was in a bad place - emotionally, spiritually.  I felt heavy and sad, like I couldn't catch my breath.  Hopeless.  The devil toyed with my mind -- all the what-ifs and what-thens -- sending me spiraling down into a pit of doubt and fear.  My mind settled into all the worst case scenarios, bringing up every negative conversation, article, and book I've read, twisting all the words into a web of pure terror.  And I got tangled up.  I believed the words.  "You're not cut out for this."  "You'll never make it."  "This will ruin you and your family."  It consumed me. I could think of nothing else.  And nothing could console me.

Nothing, except Jesus.

I've been down this road before.  It's a familiar road, this dark place.  My first memory of it was in college, and I almost succumbed to it.  I was ready to give up and give in to the hopelessness, the unworthiness.  I was weary of fighting it, and I was done.  I took a walk by myself and spent hours roaming the woods, thinking, debating.  I didn't feel strong enough to fight anymore.  And yet I also didn't feel strong enough to give up.  I had to do something.   I needed help.  And I believe, for the first time, that I asked Jesus to be the One.  Not to save me -- I did that as a child.  No, it wasn't my salvation on the line.  It was my sanctification.

That's a big word that just means to be made holy.  I had to decide who I was going to make holy in my life - me or Jesus.  If it was me, then I had to fix everything.  I had to be in control.  I had to call the shots.  I had to make everything work.  Except that wasn't working so well for me.

I knew I was desperate and lost.  I knew I wasn't strong enough.  I knew I couldn't fix myself.  I had nowhere else to go.  And so I fell into the arms of Jesus.

He became my Friend.  I would literally roll out of bed and onto my knees every single morning before I started my day.  I prayed a simple prayer: "This day is Yours.  I can't do this by myself, but I can do it with You.  Help me, Jesus."  I devoured my Bible and the familiar words became personal to me, for probably the first time.  I wrote verse after verse in my journal, claiming promises as my own.  I spent hours with Jesus, and He spent hours pouring His healing love into me.  He taught me that I can trust Him, that He's enough, that He's always there.  He showed me that He is jealous for me, that He wants to be my first love.  At the risk of sounding like a lunatic, it felt like I was falling in love.  I couldn't get enough of Him.  I wanted to know more, wanted to understand His love.  And He showed me.  I belong to Him.  I am cherished.  I am adored.  I am accepted for who I am, not what I do.  He pursues me.  He will stop at nothing for me.  I am His daughter.

The knowledge of the depths of this love changed the fabric of my being.  I no longer had to be the strong one.  I didn't have to be in control and have all the answers.  I had Someone who would step in and be that when I couldn't.  Me and Jesus?  We got this.  His love made me strong.

So yes, I have been down this road before -- back then and many times since.  Some times are shorter than others.  It's always awful and I always feel like I'm drowning.  And yet in some twisted way I wouldn't trade any of it for the easy road.  Because it's always on the hard road of suffering that I meet my Jesus.  It's the only place where I'm so desperate for Him that He has to show up.  It's where I feel Him the most and where I've learned to let Him carry me.  It's where I've learned the most about Him.  They are terrible times but looking back they are also sweet times, because every time my faith grows deeper and my knowledge of Him grows wider.  To truly know someone is to truly love them. 

The dark road is not easy.  But I have learned what to do when I'm there.  I know I need to counteract the darkness with light.  I need to fill my mind with truth.  There is tremendous power in the words of God.  I don't fully understand that power, but I know it is real.  I search the Bible and find verses to write in my journal.  I post them on index cards.  I try to read them over and over throughout the day.

The Lord is my light and my salvation -- so why should I be afraid?  The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?  Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid.  Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident.  Psalm 27:1-3

I also listen to worship music.  I was sharing some of my fears with a friend on Monday and instead of trying to fix me, she played two worship songs for me, over and over.  If you haven't heard them, or even if you have, look them up: "Great Things" and "Your Promises" by Elevation worship.  There is something so healing about music.

Thank You for the wilderness
Where I learned to thirst for Your Presence.
If I'd never known that place
How could I have known You are better?
Thank you for the lonely times
When I learned to live in the silence.
As the other voices fade
I can hear You calling me, Jesus.
And it's worth it all just to know You more.
"Great Things (Worth it All)" by Elevation Worship

I also find someone to talk to, who won't give out advice or judge me.  Someone who will listen, and pray.  On Tuesday I sat in a grocery store parking lot, crying, while a friend prayed for me over the phone.  It was powerful, and it was healing.  Later that evening, my husband and I sat on the couch and prayed together.  Again, I don't fully understand the power of prayer, but I know it is real.

Friend, if you are struggling today, run to Jesus.  He's the Only One who will truly understand you, truly accept You, truly love you.  His love is limitless and pure.  He is enough.

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.  Matthew 5:4,5