A Messy Bow

I have been in a major funk lately. 

Last week we got an email that should have been a cause for celebration.  Our case is finally being reviewed by the Embassy in Ethiopia.  We will probably be traveling in less than two months for our court date.  I should be jumping for joy.

I know all the right and good and true things in my head.  I have the Bible verses written in my journal.  I pray the prayers.  I tell people what I know I'm supposed to say.

But deep inside I am Scared. To. Death.

Our lives are about to be upended.  Every normal we have will be no more.  I cannot even get a grasp on what our family looks like.  It's just one big scary unknown.  And the fear.  It keeps coming in waves. 

I'm being brutally honest here.  So forgive me.  I usually process through these emotions and then tie them up with a neat little bow at the end.  But life isn't always neat.  Or pretty.  

I was discussing this with a friend recently and she said, "Truthfully when I pray sometimes I get more discouraged.  Because my theology leaves a lot of room to be disappointed with God and also leaves a lot of room for Him to answer prayers in ways much different than what I hoped for.  

So then I find myself asking this question:  Do I believe that You are really enough?  That you are really all I need?  Are you really all I want?"  

I'm looking into the future and I'm having a hard time scraping together any enthusiasm.  Maybe that is surprising because people who are about to adopt two kids are supposed to be over the moon with excitement. I have been.  And I have many days that I am. But right now I'm not. And I don't want to feel like this.  I don't normally share these things with the world. 

I think so often we don't leave room in our theology to be disappointed with God.  Because you know what?  God doesn't always follow our rules, our plans, and our expectations.  And so we get disappointed, disillusioned, dis-everything.

Look, when I was pregnant with my second baby I planned to have a healthy baby.  I expected he or she would be born on or around April 1st and be almost exactly two years younger than Sophia.  I planned to have a healthy pregnancy and maybe a hard delivery but it was nothing I couldn't handle.

But that is not what happened.  

At nine weeks I started bleeding and at twelve weeks we had a devastating ultrasound in which the blob on the screen did not move.  Our baby died.  

That is not what I wanted and I was sad and disappointed, and yes, I was kind-of mad too.  I had prayed for healing.  Why?  Why?  Why? 

I still really don't know the answer to that question.  I see Good Things that happened in spite of that Very Bad Thing.  I could expound on that for several more paragraphs, but that isn't always helpful when you are the middle of the Very Bad Thing.

All I can say is that God was still there.  I had Him.  When it was lonely and sad and it seemed no one could truly understand, I talked to Him.  In the night when I woke up panicked and grieving, I sat on the couch and talked to Him.  And I guess that is what He is trying to get through to me as I have stumbled along this road of doubt and trust for the past year.  

Very Bad Things happen.  But God is there.  

The other day as I was reading through Genesis, I feel like God confirmed this yet again.

God told Abraham He was going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah (two neighboring cities) because they had gotten out of control.  Abraham is really upset because his nephew and wife and family live there.  So he starts bargaining with God.  Will you save the towns if you can find fifty good people? What about forty-five?  How about forty?  Thirty?  (I'm guessing Abraham must've known how evil the cities really were because he keeps going.)  Twenty?  "Lord, please don't be angry with me if I speak one more time. Suppose only ten are found there?"  (Genesis 18:32)

And each time, God answered him.  He listened.  He cared.  He engaged.  

He didn't end the conversation with frustration and anger.  He didn't tell him to just trust Him and forget about it.  He didn't tell him to get over it. He didn't spout off Bible verses and platitudes.  

He entered into and engaged with Abraham's pain.

As I was reading, I realized  (perhaps for the first time), that Abraham didn't and wouldn't change God's mind.  God knew what He was going to do.  But God was allowing Abraham to question Him, and therefore to see into His heart — that He is merciful and reasonable and willing to listen. That He cared about what Abraham cared about. 

God is God — all-wise, all-powerful, all-knowing — and He knew all along He was still going to destroy these two cities. Bad things still happen. But He showed He cares, and He will still be there. God entered into Abe’s struggle and truly cared and engaged with Him.  He didn’t leave Him alone to grieve and wonder – He walked right alongside of Him.

This is the one thread of hope I'm holding onto right now.  That in all of this uncertainty - where we could have Really Good Things or Really Bad Things (and probably both), we'll also still have God.  And isn't that what Paul was talking about in Philippians 4? (which was written in a jail cell, by the way):

I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything.  I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:12, 13

I can do everything.  I can do this, whatever this is.  Not because I'm awesome.  Or wise.  Or prepared.  But because of Jesus Who is here and gives me the strength to do it.  But it's going to be hard.  And sometimes sad.  Maybe lonely.  But He is there, too.

And I know I have to be there too.  I have to be all in.  I have to listen to Him.  I have to read His words and talk to Him and engage with Him.  It's so tempting to self-protect and hide.

In the next chapter of Genesis, the Very Bad Thing happened.  Fire and burning sulfur rained down on Sodom and Gomorrah and destroyed everything and everyone.  "But God had listened to Abraham's request and kept Lot safe." (Genesis 19:29) An angel escorted Lot and his family out of the city.  So Lot and his daughters (his wife turned into a pillar of salt - which is a whole other story) sought refuge in a small village.  A place to rest and regroup and process through what they'd been through.  To gather close and rebuild and start a new life.

But it wasn't long before fear crept in.  "Afterward Lot left [the village] because he was afraid of the people there, and he went to live in a cave in the mountains with his two daughters." Genesis 19:29  

Okay, I understand his fear.  His wife and his house and his friends and his entire city is gone.  Lot went into self-protection mode.  He found a cave and hid in it.  He isolated himself.  He cowered.  

The opposite of Abraham.  And let this be a lesson to me.  The fear itself isn't the issue - it's what I do with that fear. Abraham engaged with God.  Lot hid from God.

When we are scared and broken we can run from God and cower, or we can run into His arms. It’s only with Him that we will experience healing and help. Hiding in our little cave will only bring loneliness and more fear. Fear breeds fear and we will often make really poor choices when we are afraid. It’s a natural human response to self-protect but God calls us out into the open, into the light, into truth and community.  

A dear friend gifted this to me just before Andy broke his ankle. Little did she know how much comfort it would bring.

And I guess that is my lesson on this leg of the journey - that I am to keep engaging with God through my fear - keep reading, keep talking, keep pursuing, keep listening.  To not give up and hide in the darkness of my fear.  He's always there in the light. I can choose to step out of my cave to be with Him.  And I know from being in the light before, that He is enough. 

Maybe that's a "neat little bow" - I don't know - this is a messy post so it might be a messy bow - but it's what I'm holding onto right now.