I have done a lot of reflecting and processing since that time, trying to understand what happened, and how I can do better the next time (there's always a next time, right around the corner). Conflict is inevitable. As much as we all hate it, it's impossible to have a relationship and not experience conflict at some point. And in a family, especially a large family, we can expect to multiply that possibility a few times over. This isn't something to run away from, but it's also not something to fight. I think what it comes down to is control.
This is different than being controlling. A controlling person attempts to get someone else to do what they think is right, or think they way they think. It usually involves tactics such as demanding, manipulating, ignoring, yelling, cajoling, nagging, accusing, blaming, and pouting. These are all immature and unhealthy things we resort to when faced with conflict. And they never work. Our attempts to control usually end up achieving the opposite - we quickly spiral out of control, wreaking havoc and speaking and acting in ways we never intended.
The key is maintaining or regaining control of myself before the situation spirals. This is so hard when emotions start boiling! But if I truly care about my relationships, and know that conflict will happen, then this is important enough to try. I know I cannot change (control) anyone else -- but I can change me.
I've come up with three reminders, based on a Bible passage I read recently, to help me navigate the beginning, middle, and end of conflict.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malice. Instead, be kind to each other, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
1. Be kind. This seems like a difficult thing to start with when you are boiling mad. But think about it along these lines: Don't retaliate. Don't fight fire with fire. Be the first one to stay kind. When the accusations fly and I start feeling all the emotions, this is my cue to pause, take a deep breath (or many) and be quiet. Slow down, don't engage (yet), and take a minute to think. When I'm feeling more in control, I can say something like, "I'm going to take a minute to calm down, because I feel myself getting angry, and I want to stay calm." And then take that time. Not too long -- because that will frustrate the other person, but enough time that you're not retaliating and retorting out of anger. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
2. Be compassionate. If the first one is hard, this one is nearly impossible. But it is doable. If I'm committed to this relationship, then the ultimate goal is connection and healing. As much as I want to defend myself and argue my case in those first moments, what I need to do is try to understand. If I continue in a state of calm, instead of getting defensive, I'm able to be curious instead of combative. I can say, "I wonder why that makes you feel worried when I ask you about that." or "I wonder why it bothers you to have shoes that are old." (Yes, this was a real thing in our house, and a huge source of conflict.) Be honest, be open, be curious. Ask, don't tell, them how to feel. As we move through the conversation, and as I can stay calm, usually the anger diffuses somewhat and we are able to get to some sort of understanding. I say usually, but not always. Sometimes there's no understanding, and that other person is not able to connect to what they are feeling. But I can still make guesses, try to understand, and affirm them as they try to make sense of their emotions. If I feel that the other person is able to receive it and the situation is calm, this is the time to explain my heart, to express my intentions, and frame my perspective. It's really important that I do this in an effort to bring healing and growth, not for the purpose of proving myself.
3. Forgive. This is the final step, and the path towards our own healing. When words are spent, it's time to mend and move on. Even if the other person isn't ready to admit any wrong, I can say something like, "The way you treated me was hurtful, but I want to forgive you, because you are important to me." I almost always have something I need to apologize for too: "I'm sorry that my words/ actions made you feel worried. That was not my intention. I'm on your side." And then I need to truly release it, and not store up any bitterness in my own heart. I can forgive, because I know that I have been forgiven too.
In a perfect world, we fly through numbers 1, 2, and 3, and both go on our merry way. But we all know emotions are unpredictable, and even with the best of intentions, things can go awry. So we leave room for mistakes, and we expect to do this imperfectly. But at least we try. And we practice. Each time, we grow a little bit, and our capacity enlarges, and we stay a little calmer than we did the time before. And even if we are the only one changing, it's a win.
