Climbing Out of the Trench

In April we celebrated one year since Samri and Abel joined our family.  We look back at this past year and can't believe how fast it's gone.  We've witnessed so much growth in all of us.  We've adjusted to so many new things: new sports, new schedules, new ideas,new personalities, new foods, new cultures, new parenting strategies, and new relationships.  We've rejoiced over bonds being formed and explosions of learning. We've had so much fun learning about Ethiopian culture and have mastered the art of cooking a darn good shiro.  We've laughed our way through some misunderstandings due to language barriers.  Our family has been a family and all that comes with that - vacations, inside jokes, family game nights, cheering for each other at sporting events, getting a puppy, and so much more.  I look back and am proud of us.

April 23, 2015 - First day in America

April 23, 2016 - Celebrating one year at the Ethiopian restaurant

But I also look back and think, "How did we survive that year?"  That was one of my hardest years of life by far.  In many ways, it was a year of survival mode.  Survival mode = doing the bare minimum of what needs to be done just to make it through one more day.

Although we prepared and prayed and read books and took classes and talked to many, many adoptive parents, none of us were prepared for that first year, especially me. I thought I was prepared for two teens who would be grieving all that they'd lost, but I didn't know that it would spill over into every single area of their lives, and by default, into the life of our family. I read the books and knew that when attachment is interrupted in the early years, it impacts trust and bonding for the rest of life.  I had learned a lot about trauma and how it affects development in a child, and interrupts learning and development.  I knew that every adoption involves trauma, and sometimes trauma trumps forming trust in the closest relationships.  I thought I knew, and I thought I was strong enough to love them through it.  But when it happened in our house, day after day, over and over, the rejection stung. The burden of grief was crippling. And I didn't know that our love might not be enough.    I had no idea how hard it would be, that every night I'd fall into bed emotionally and physically drained, and think, "Oh my gosh, how am I going to get up and do this again tomorrow?" I was in survival mode.

My mental picture of survival mode is someone who has fallen into a deep trench.  They're stuck down there, without any hope.  They are literally going to die without intervention.  All they can think about is getting out.  All they can manage is living one more day. They aren't thinking about anyone else but themselves.  It is a lonely, scary place to be.

Most children from hard places live in this trench.  Fear rules every interaction.  Self-protection is necessary for survival. There is little room for compassion, forgiveness, patience, gentleness, joy, and many times, LOVE, when you are in survival mode.  All you care about is living one more day.  Understanding this has given me greater compassion for my children, and all children who have come from a hard place.  I continually pray that God will fill my heart with understanding and compassion.

I also realized the other day that I hate living in survival mode.  Functioning in survival mode makes you a survivor by definition, but it's not a healthy place to be.  I don't want to be the one in the trench, grasping for one more day.  I want to climb out and be the one at the top, offering a hand to  help someone else out  (most of all, my children).  One of the ways I can do this is by taking care of myself so that I don't fall back into the trench. This is called practicing self-care.

Self-care is a huge buzzword in adoption circles, with good reason.  Self-care involves finding those things that fill you up so that you can pour yourself back out.  This has become the number one way for me to climb out of the trench of survival mode.  These are the things that give me energy, make me happy, and help me cope. Here are some of the ways I practice self-care:

• Setting my alarm for fifty minutes before my children get up.  This gives me time to pour a cup of coffee and sit in the quiet with my Bible and a journal.  Spending time with Jesus every day is not a luxury for me; it's a necessity.  It sets me up for the rest of the day and helps me focus my heart and my mind.
• Journaling.  I am a writer; it's how I process my constant menagerie of thoughts.  As I write in my journal I'm able to sift through the craziness and figure out what I'm thinking and feeling.
• Time alone with my husband.  He's my best (guy) friend and he's going to be here long after the kids have moved out.  It's really important to us to keep our relationship strong and grow together.  Many nights after the kids are settled into their own activities (teens don't go to bed early -- so we had to find creative ways to find alone time), we will sit on the couch or outside, have a glass of wine, and debrief with each other.  We also try to find one day a month to go out alone, and try to go away once or twice a year together.
  

  

  
  

• Coffee.  Oh, did I already mention that?  Two cups every morning, and sometimes I'll make myself an iced coffee in the afternoon as an extra treat.
• Time with girlfriends.  As my life has gotten [way] busier, I've had to be very intentional about this one.  I have a group of girls I meet with once a month for dinner, and then I try to sprinkle in some coffee or lunch dates throughout the month in order to catch up with other friends.  There are also a few adoptive mama friends who have been there/done that and they are an invaluable encouragement to me as well.
• Family time.  (Can you hear the groaning coming from my teens -ha!)  I'm a quality time girl, and one thing that fills my love tank is having my whole family together and engaged in some fun activity.  Again, if we're not intentional, this doesn't happen.  There's usually a lot of complaining from certain people beforehand, and it's very challenging to find activities to entertain 7 through 16 year olds, but we usually manage to have fun.  Some fun things we do: hike, go to amusement parks, play Bingo or spoons or charades, have family movie nights, go  to museums and aquariums and zoos, cook Ethiopian or other themed dinners, swim, and visit new places.
  
   
  
  

  

  
  

• Sparkling water.  I discovered this a few years ago.  It makes me happy.  So I drink one a day, either grapefruit or lemon-lime.
• Cheez-its. Again, they make me happy.  Especially the "extra toasty" ones.
• Cooking.  I love to experiment and try new foods and new recipes.  One thing that's been challenging with a big family is finding foods that everyone will eat and that won't blow our food budget.  Usually I cook super simple meals in order to appease everyone, but once in awhile I make something more adventurous and provide chicken nuggets and mac and cheese for the picky ones.
• Sunshine.  This past winter and spring were brutal.  Being stuck inside makes me really grumpy.  Even if it's cold I try to get out and walk for a little while.
• Exercise.  This one I do because it's good for me, not because I particularly enjoy it. When I was in survival mode, I did not exercise.  It was one more hard thing to add to my hard to-do list.  So I let it slide.  But now that I'm emerging from my trench I'm making it a priority.
• Saying Yes and being silly.  Sometimes I take life too seriously  and worry too much about dirt and schedules and all that boring stuff.  I need to remind myself to just say yes to some of the crazy stuff my kids want to do, and  let myself dance and laugh and sing and get dirty and squeeze the joy out of every one of these moments.
  
  
  
  
  
  

I'm sure I'll fall back into the survival mode trench, but I do feel like I'm better prepared for it this go around, and know more about myself and how to start the climb back out.

Are you in survival mode right now?  Try making a list of what makes you happy, what gives you energy, and what helps you cope (or stay healthy).  Write it out and figure out how to work it into your days and weeks.  And let me know what yours are!  Whether you're in the trench, on your way out, or lending a hand from the top, we're all figuring this out together.