Maybe I'm being a little overdramatic, but the emotions are there. It's been isolating and draining and overwhelming. I've felt lost and oh-so-confused. I've felt left behind as others have moved on and resumed their normal lives while I'm left wondering where normal went. I've woken up with dread on some days (okay, most days). I've cried buckets and scribbled pages and pages in my journal. I've lost hope.
But just like my fictitious survivor-man, there have also been moments of forging the way. Of conquering a fear. Of emerging into beauty after a long road of disappointment and exhaustion. There are days where I find my way back to hope again.
How I long to be more specific but to do so would betray the trust we are trying so hard to build right now. When our children are little, it's easy to share the funny and frustrating stories, but as they grow up (and join us on social media), it becomes important to guard their stories and let them tell them. I'm in the middle of discovering how to still write with authenticity (because I l-o-v-e to write and I l-o-v-e to be authentic), but stay faithful to my family.
For now I'll share that in this new upside-down-life (which another adoptive mama affectionately named "opposite world"), I'm surviving. It's not ideal right now, to be honest. This summer has been one big reality show in which mama is just trying to make it through another day. Before summer began, I created a Summer Fun List (which I've done every year since the kids were little) and this summer it is buried under some pile on our office desk. I can't even remember one thing on there except "Make frozen lemonade" - which we did in fact accomplish last week. That's the only thing we've done so far. And I'm learning to let it go. I'm learning to give myself grace and accept that I'm just not the fun summer mom I want to be this time around. I'm learning to stop comparing myself to who I was last summer and celebrate that at least I've figured out how to cook for 7 people (even if it means going to the grocery store four times in one week to pick up forgotten ingredients). I'm learning that there's always next summer. I'm learning to savor the little things, like playing a raucous game of Spoons after dinner one night. Or stealing fifteen minutes to read a book while five kids splash and laugh in the pool. And eventually joining them to play keep-away with water balloons. And gathering as a family before bed to pray for loved ones who are sick or hurting or facing trials. I'm learning life isn't necessarily about the big things, but about searching for joy in the everything. Even when you'd rather complain and feel sorry for yourself.
I may not be the most fun mom right now, but I'm showing up every day. I'm here. I'm doing the laundry and cooking the meals and kissing the boo-boos and tucking everyone in every night.
I was reflecting the other day on my word for the year. For some reason, this one was hard for me to choose. I had originally picked "HOPE" but then I landed on "PRESENT." My thinking was that I wanted to learn to be less distracted and more "present" in each moment. As I've been reflecting on how this has played out over the past few months, I have to laugh, because I have no choice right now but to be present. We're stuck here, in the house most days, just doing the mundane. It may be monotonous, but we're together. Sometimes a little too together, if you know what I mean. I know soon we'll all be off in our own directions -- with school and sports and homework and music lessons and meetings -- so it's good for now to try to savor this time. Even when I feel like I'm going to die. Again, overdramatic I know, but the feeelings are real. :)
But God's been faithful. Just when I'm about ready to throw in the towel, He showers His love in little cloudbursts of creativity. Like last week when we were on vacation. We kept seeing this family out on the beach near us, playing with their two kids. And one day the mom was walking by me and said "hi" and asked if we were an adoptive family. I told her yes, and she shared that she was a social worker for an adoption agency. Her specialty is counseling families before and after their adoption process. WHOA. It had been a particularly hard week for us as a family. I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and sad that particular day. I followed her down to the sand's edge and as we stood watching our kids splash and jump the waves, she shared, and I shared, and she encouraged and affirmed and counseled me. Not only was this her profession, but she also happened to be a believer. WHOA. She shared scripture and spoke Jesus' truth right into a weary mama's heart. And when the week was up she gave me her phone number and told me to contact her anytime. Oh God, He's so fun. He loves to surprise us and show up in the most unexpected ways.
Opposite world is so hard, but I wouldn't trade it. Never. This is where God has us and I accept it because I trust Him. He's been my constant, my true north every single time. When I get disoriented, I look to Him. I read His Words. I sing His songs. I remember His Truth. He has never failed me, and He won't stop now.
