Yesterday I woke up and all the doubt and fear I had been pushing to the background rushed in like a flood. Question upon question flitted through my mind, one leading to the next.
What do we think we are doing? Can we really do this alone? We don't know anybody in Ethiopia! What if we do something that is culturally offensive? Where will we go each day? What's our plan? What's MY plan? If Andy's busy doing dentistry, what will I do? And on and on it went.
Andy felt the same way, so we prayed together. I wrote in my journal. And I went to a friend's house and asked her to pray for me.
As we were holding hands at her table, with our three children playing and yelling in the background, she began to pray. She asked Jesus to step in between Andy and me, put His strong arms around our shoulders, and lead us. In my mind I could see the three of us from behind, walking shoulder to shoulder. And I cried.
Just days before, I had looked up verses about God's hands and arms.
The LORD answered Moses, "Is the Lord's arm too short?" Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you. Numbers 11:23
I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, "You are my servant." I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:9-10
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8
So when she prayed that He would put his arms around our shoulders, it was a reminder, a promise, a little whisper - "I am here. I am there. I'll be with you." We both felt His presence right there at her dining room table.
I had forgotten. Again.
He's always there; it's we who forget. We who don't acknowledge. When the doubts come back, which I'm sure they will, I am going to hold on to that picture - as we pack our suitcases, as we walk through security, as we meet our translator, as we travel and walk and meet and pray and love. Not two of us, but three - we're doing this thing together.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
No Matter What
Trust is something I have given a lot of thought to lately. We say that we trust all the time, but when tested, I think many of us choose to recant. We take it back, we take over, we take charge. I do it all the time.
Here's a small scenario. I ask Andy to take Jonas to preschool. Preschool starts at 9:00, which means we should leave the house by 8:50 at the latest in order to get there on time. Andy gets in the shower at 8:45. I'm downstairs fretting and frowning and worrying about how late they're going to be. I'm creating an escape plan in my head because I no longer trust him to get the job done. I'm searching for my shoes and my keys at this point, grumbling about how "I trusted you to get him there on time." Well, no, back up the bus. I didn't really trust him, did I? I only trusted him to do it my way. My way is to leave at 8:45, giving us plenty of time and allowing for any unforseen detractors, such as construction or a slow grandma.
And isn't this how we are so often with God? We say we trust Him, but in reality we only trust Him if things go the way we had planned and expected. We only trust Him when He answers prayers the way we would. We have our escape plans mapped out and our keys ready.
Nine times out of ten, when Andy takes Jonas to preschool, they are a few minutes late. And you know what? The world hasn't ended yet. They made it; the teacher didn't care; Jonas ended up having a fabulous day. All that worrying for nothing.
"Worry about tomorrow only steals the joy from today." -Barbara Cameron
Sophia, my firstborn, is a worrier. She's also responsible, sweet, organized, helpful, and kind. But she's a worrier. One of the biggest struggles we've had as she has gotten older is navigating anxiety over sleep. She went through a period of time where she couldn't fall asleep, or would fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. She would stumble into our room in the middle of the night sobbing and distraught and in a complete panic.
We tried everything to help her. We prayed with her. We posted Bible verses all over her room. We made a list of things she could do if she couldn't fall asleep. We gave her Melatonin. We let her climb in bed with us.
Nothing worked.
And the longer she was awake, the greater her panic. "What if I never fall asleep?" "What if I'm tired tomorrow?" "What if this happens every night?" What if, what if, what if.
As I was putting her to bed one night and we were running through all those what-ifs yet again, I said to her:
Sophia, what if you decided right now, before you even try to go to sleep, that you will trust God no matter what happens tonight?
Whether you fall asleep, or are up for hours? Whether you sleep until 4am or 6am? Whether you are tired or completely fine? Can you choose to trust him even if you're completely exhausted tomorrow? Do you know that he already sees tomorrow? Do you know that He will be right by your side tomorrow? Do you know that He can even help you to be wide awake and rested tomorrow?
This was a completely different approach than all the others. The other methods were dependent on her, this level of trust was dependent on God.
And in those moments, God whispered to my heart, "Do you trust me like that?"
"Anxiety is the result of envisioning the future without me." -Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, p. 304
Our future is uncertain, but then it always is. Control is an illusion; God is real. Instead of running through the scenarios of tomorrow, I pray I can step back into the present and enjoy today. And choose to trust that whatever happens tomorrow, God promises to be there, by my side, helping me navigate all the unknowns.
~Katie
Here's a small scenario. I ask Andy to take Jonas to preschool. Preschool starts at 9:00, which means we should leave the house by 8:50 at the latest in order to get there on time. Andy gets in the shower at 8:45. I'm downstairs fretting and frowning and worrying about how late they're going to be. I'm creating an escape plan in my head because I no longer trust him to get the job done. I'm searching for my shoes and my keys at this point, grumbling about how "I trusted you to get him there on time." Well, no, back up the bus. I didn't really trust him, did I? I only trusted him to do it my way. My way is to leave at 8:45, giving us plenty of time and allowing for any unforseen detractors, such as construction or a slow grandma.
And isn't this how we are so often with God? We say we trust Him, but in reality we only trust Him if things go the way we had planned and expected. We only trust Him when He answers prayers the way we would. We have our escape plans mapped out and our keys ready.
Nine times out of ten, when Andy takes Jonas to preschool, they are a few minutes late. And you know what? The world hasn't ended yet. They made it; the teacher didn't care; Jonas ended up having a fabulous day. All that worrying for nothing.
"Worry about tomorrow only steals the joy from today." -Barbara Cameron
Sophia, my firstborn, is a worrier. She's also responsible, sweet, organized, helpful, and kind. But she's a worrier. One of the biggest struggles we've had as she has gotten older is navigating anxiety over sleep. She went through a period of time where she couldn't fall asleep, or would fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. She would stumble into our room in the middle of the night sobbing and distraught and in a complete panic.
We tried everything to help her. We prayed with her. We posted Bible verses all over her room. We made a list of things she could do if she couldn't fall asleep. We gave her Melatonin. We let her climb in bed with us.
Nothing worked.
And the longer she was awake, the greater her panic. "What if I never fall asleep?" "What if I'm tired tomorrow?" "What if this happens every night?" What if, what if, what if.
As I was putting her to bed one night and we were running through all those what-ifs yet again, I said to her:
Sophia, what if you decided right now, before you even try to go to sleep, that you will trust God no matter what happens tonight?
Whether you fall asleep, or are up for hours? Whether you sleep until 4am or 6am? Whether you are tired or completely fine? Can you choose to trust him even if you're completely exhausted tomorrow? Do you know that he already sees tomorrow? Do you know that He will be right by your side tomorrow? Do you know that He can even help you to be wide awake and rested tomorrow?
This was a completely different approach than all the others. The other methods were dependent on her, this level of trust was dependent on God.
And in those moments, God whispered to my heart, "Do you trust me like that?"
"Anxiety is the result of envisioning the future without me." -Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, p. 304
Our future is uncertain, but then it always is. Control is an illusion; God is real. Instead of running through the scenarios of tomorrow, I pray I can step back into the present and enjoy today. And choose to trust that whatever happens tomorrow, God promises to be there, by my side, helping me navigate all the unknowns.
~Katie
Monday, October 14, 2013
We are going to ETHIOPIA!
Yes, it's time to talk about it. We've been keeping it a semi-secret since July, whispering about it with just family and a few friends. It seemed so far off and mostly surreal -- a fleeting thought. But in those three months, our flights have been booked, I've gotten five (5!) shots, and we have lined up a translator and a place to stay. So yes, this is real. In November, less than six weeks away, Andy and I will board a plane and travel over 17 hours to Africa. Just the two of us.
When we first started talking about doing this, it was a joke. We had a good friend who had just moved there in June, and we started joking about going to visit her, instead of going to the Caribbean like we had been planning. But then, through a series of many connected encounters, conversations, books, and prayers, God told us to go to Ethiopia. It's so hard to explain that to people. It's not like a roaring voice from heaven spoke to us. It was a whisper in both of our hearts which grew stronger and bolder each day. We discussed the possibility of doing some scouting work for medical missions, and our outreach pastor approved it. We contacted our friend and asked if she had plans over Thanksgiving and she jumped at the chance to have us come stay with her in Ethiopia. It started becoming a reality, and so we started making serious plans to go.
From the outset, we really didn't have any expectations. We knew we wanted to experience the country, look for opportunities to bring a medical team there in the future, and accompany our friend during her mission work. We hoped to visit some ministries and orphanages -- not that we thought we had anything to offer -- but so that we could put faces to our prayers, lock eyes, hold hands, and love.
But then our already tentative plans got turned upside down. Our friend had to come back to the states unexpectedly. We no longer had a place to stay or a contact on the ground. Now what?
We kept praying. People assumed our trip was cancelled. Yet as we prayed we felt like the answer was not "No," but "Trust Me."
There is fear. There is doubt. There is the constant question: "Are we hearing You right?" Both of us keep going back to the assurance that God told us to do this and so far He hasn't told us no. We have lots of questions and not a whole lot of concrete answers. We do have a new place to stay. We have an amazing translator to accompany us. We have a few ideas of what we'll do while we're there. But other than that, we're waiting and we're trusting.
This is new for me. I'm a planner by nature. I like to know what I'm getting into and I love to prepare for everything. I research things beforehand, I read books, and I plan details. I like to know the outcomes and be ready for any and every possibility. I've always wished I could be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants girl, but at this age, I've finally accepted that's just not me. So as you can see, this doesn't fit into my neat little prepare-for-everything box.
I just have to laugh because Andy and I created this blog three months ago, with the purpose of writing about Ethiopia. The name of the blog -- Trust With No Borders -- comes from a song that captured our hearts as we were praying specifically about this trip. From" Oceans" by Hillsong:
Our desire and prayer was to embrace trust without borders, to not put God into our little box and dictate our future to Him. To be open to whatever He had for us. To listen for His call, take His hand, and trust Him even when our own faith faltered.
He took that prayer and made it real. He removed the little sense of comfort and security we'd been clinging to and said, "Okay, now will you still trust Me?"
I read this in a study I was doing just days after finding out our plans had changed:
"We tend to want to see the big picture complete with all the details before stepping out in obedience to God. We long for a cost analysis where we can weigh what we'd be gaining and then decide if the trade is worth it. God wants to know if we're willing to give up what we love to Him who loves us more. He desires for us to open our fists and trust Him with absolutely everything." -- Lysa Terkheurst, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God
Trust without borders. Trust that breaks free from my safe, little box and steps into the unknown. Unsure of the future, but confident that my God is right there beside me. Trust that opens my fist to take the hand of the One who promises to be with us wherever we go. It's what we prayed for when we first started this adventure.
"Do not be afraid, for I will be with you and will protect you!" Jeremiah 1:8
"I am the LORD your God. I take hold of your right hand. I say to you, 'Do not be afraid. I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
When we first started talking about doing this, it was a joke. We had a good friend who had just moved there in June, and we started joking about going to visit her, instead of going to the Caribbean like we had been planning. But then, through a series of many connected encounters, conversations, books, and prayers, God told us to go to Ethiopia. It's so hard to explain that to people. It's not like a roaring voice from heaven spoke to us. It was a whisper in both of our hearts which grew stronger and bolder each day. We discussed the possibility of doing some scouting work for medical missions, and our outreach pastor approved it. We contacted our friend and asked if she had plans over Thanksgiving and she jumped at the chance to have us come stay with her in Ethiopia. It started becoming a reality, and so we started making serious plans to go.
From the outset, we really didn't have any expectations. We knew we wanted to experience the country, look for opportunities to bring a medical team there in the future, and accompany our friend during her mission work. We hoped to visit some ministries and orphanages -- not that we thought we had anything to offer -- but so that we could put faces to our prayers, lock eyes, hold hands, and love.
But then our already tentative plans got turned upside down. Our friend had to come back to the states unexpectedly. We no longer had a place to stay or a contact on the ground. Now what?
We kept praying. People assumed our trip was cancelled. Yet as we prayed we felt like the answer was not "No," but "Trust Me."
There is fear. There is doubt. There is the constant question: "Are we hearing You right?" Both of us keep going back to the assurance that God told us to do this and so far He hasn't told us no. We have lots of questions and not a whole lot of concrete answers. We do have a new place to stay. We have an amazing translator to accompany us. We have a few ideas of what we'll do while we're there. But other than that, we're waiting and we're trusting.
This is new for me. I'm a planner by nature. I like to know what I'm getting into and I love to prepare for everything. I research things beforehand, I read books, and I plan details. I like to know the outcomes and be ready for any and every possibility. I've always wished I could be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants girl, but at this age, I've finally accepted that's just not me. So as you can see, this doesn't fit into my neat little prepare-for-everything box.
I just have to laugh because Andy and I created this blog three months ago, with the purpose of writing about Ethiopia. The name of the blog -- Trust With No Borders -- comes from a song that captured our hearts as we were praying specifically about this trip. From" Oceans" by Hillsong:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Our desire and prayer was to embrace trust without borders, to not put God into our little box and dictate our future to Him. To be open to whatever He had for us. To listen for His call, take His hand, and trust Him even when our own faith faltered.
He took that prayer and made it real. He removed the little sense of comfort and security we'd been clinging to and said, "Okay, now will you still trust Me?"
I read this in a study I was doing just days after finding out our plans had changed:
"We tend to want to see the big picture complete with all the details before stepping out in obedience to God. We long for a cost analysis where we can weigh what we'd be gaining and then decide if the trade is worth it. God wants to know if we're willing to give up what we love to Him who loves us more. He desires for us to open our fists and trust Him with absolutely everything." -- Lysa Terkheurst, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God
Trust without borders. Trust that breaks free from my safe, little box and steps into the unknown. Unsure of the future, but confident that my God is right there beside me. Trust that opens my fist to take the hand of the One who promises to be with us wherever we go. It's what we prayed for when we first started this adventure.
"Do not be afraid, for I will be with you and will protect you!" Jeremiah 1:8
"I am the LORD your God. I take hold of your right hand. I say to you, 'Do not be afraid. I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
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